Being Mommy...

Is the manual on how to be a mom escaping me? Did I overlook it years ago while frantically trying to read and memorize "What to Expect When You're Expecting"?

Why is it that there are numerous books, videos, classes, etc., on what to expect before, during, and immediately after birth, yet there are few books that give us even a tiny glimpse of what it will be like to be a parent?

I'm guessing because nobody has the answers. Nobody really knows.

So how do we do it? How do we function without a guide...without a textbook...without the parenting how-to manual? We go by what our parents did, the advice they give us, and pure instinct.

I'll admit...I was petrified when I had my first child. I had no idea what to do. I had no idea what NOT to do. But it works itself out...you do the best that you can, and you learn from the mistakes you make.

The learning never stops. Its like trying to navigate through a maze, while climbing Mt. Everest, barefoot.

Introducing solid foods...

Taking the first step...

Teething... (painful for both child and parent)

Learning to talk...

Potty training...

Wait, it doesn't stop there.

First day of kindergarten...

Riding a bike...

Tying shoes...

Losing the teeth which caused so many tears, temps, ear infections, sleepless nights... (why can't the first set be the only set?)

What do you mean we're not done?

The first hurt feelings...

Writing their name...

Learning how to swim...

The list goes on and on. It never stops. But looking back, these moments, these learning moments without a manual, these are the moments we as parents remember.

As a mommy of two teens, I am entering a whole new chapter of the "Mommy How-To" manual I am writing as I go. Its not easy...I remember my teen years and I just hope and pray that they make better decisions than I did. That they realize that there is so much more out there than right now. They have their whole lives to live.

I love being a mommy. It is the best job in the world. I can't imagine another job for which you get so much satisfaction with no monetary compensation.

The only compensation I receive, the only compensation I need, is their love.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE MOMMIES OUT THERE!!!

A little more...

Just a few of the perfect imperfections ...

I snore... quite loudly apparently.

Along with the snoring, I can fall asleep while carrying on a conversation.  I fall asleep at the drop of a hat...anywhere. 

I hate socks...never wear them.  Bare feet are my "shoe" of choice.

I frequently tell stories more than once...over and over again actually.  But, I tell the stories with the same passion as I did the first time.

Did I mention I snore???

I'm very gullible ... I'll believe you every time...

I eat weird things...sauerkraut, cabbage (I am German).

My feet are huge.

My nails aren't done up, but they are neat.

I have stretch marks.

In amongst all of these things, these imperfections as some might call them, are the amazingly unique parts of me...

I love.  I love with every last ounce of my being.  Every last ounce of my soul.

I love my girls...they are the most amazingly beautiful children.  I am so proud to be their mama!

I love hugs...i love to give them and to get them.

I love to cook.  I know I have said this before but I put a little bit of my heart into everything I make.  I share my food, I share my heart.

I laugh ... I laugh at appropriate times, I laugh at very inappropriate times.  I laugh too hard and I will cry....but they are good tears. 

I may not talk much, but please don't think I have little to say.  When you open your heart like I tend to do it is frightening.  I get scared.  I get scared of letting myself open up to someone so completely... the hurt that has resulted from this in the past is immeasurable.

However, life with out pain is impossible.  It happens...unfortunately.  But one thing I have learned is this...

If I hurt, it will only be because I love with everything I have... with all of me... to the depths of my soul.

My People...

I don't know if its because I have so many huge life changes happening now, or if there is some other reason I am not aware of yet, but I have become extremely sentimental lately. Which is a good thing. It's a great thing.

I have heard so many stories lately. Stories I remember, stories I had forgotten. Some good, some bad. But all triggering feelings I haven't felt in a very long time. Mainly how much I really, truly love my friends...my people.

We are all a bit broken, a bit scared at times. We are growing older, but still wanting to hold on to our youth...still wanting to be the young, vibrant kids we once were.

We've had some very wonderful things happen in our lives - marriage, children, jobs. We have been through trials, rough patches, but have persevered. We've loved, we've lost. Whatever the path we are on, we feel drawn to each other...we are coming together again for a purpose.

Maybe that purpose is to find the strength we may be lacking, which we didn't realize we needed. Maybe it is for encouragement to take that scary step - the one that just may lead us to the best part of our lives. It could be to find that real friend we didn't realize was right in front of our face. Whatever the reason, our bonds are strengthening once again. We aren't perfect...far from it in fact, but we love each other. We love the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.

Sometimes I feel I have a strange connection with each of my friends. They have all played such an important part in my life, all at the right time. Once again, they are all filling my days with their amazingly unique, wonderful souls.

I love their smiles...their laughter.

I love their fire, their determination to keep going and to conquer whatever life throws at them.

I love her eternal optimism...always seeing the best in people.

I love his crazy, goofy, wacky fun self. And within that craziness is a man full of a zest for life that is unmatched.

I love her laugh - we can giggle about silly stuff until we can't giggle any more.

I love his timid, shy side...not everyone sees this part of him.

I love her for being my friend for my entire life...my person.

I love his protectiveness, his concern for my safety, his comfort.

I love them...my people...

A little more of me...

According to my Zodiac sign, I am shy and quiet, but also boisterous, eccentric, and energetic. All true, I suppose, depending on the situation.

Highly intellectual, excellent problem solver, and fiercely independent. I'm going to go with true, but that is just my opinion.

My aphrodisiac - intellectual stimulation. Maybe?

I'm deeply sensitive and cautious...I will go the distance for a loved one to a point of self-sacrifice if necessary. Been there, done that, so very true.

According to my favorite color, pink, I am loving, kind, generous and sensitive to others. I have a maternal instinct, romantic, sensual and sensitive. I'll go with all of those.

I see the good in everyone. Yes. Absolutely. 100% correct. I look at everyone like I want to be looked at...like they are amazingly wonderful. Like they are the most important thing in the world to me at that point in time.

But does this really have to be so difficult? So analytical? No. Should it be so hard to figure out who and what I am? Or what I want? No.

I'm pretty simple. As are most females, really.

I want someone who will look at me like I am amazing. Look at all my quirks, all my weirdness, and believe they make me wonderful. I want someone who will look at me and think, "Wow...I'm the luckiest man in the world".

I love chivalry. I am perfectly capable of opening a car door or a door to a building, but I would love to have a man open it for me. I would love to have a man WANT to open doors for me.

I love holding hands. Something so simple, yet so much can be said by just the touch of a hand... the firmness, the softness can say more than words ever could.

I want to be more than a convenience. I want him to show me off. I want him to be proud of the fact that I am by his side. Don't hide me...

Please don't expect me to be perfect. I am far from it. I have curves, and I love them. Do I want to be healthy? Yes, absolutely. But don't judge me based on Victoria's Secret models...that ain't happening...

Most importantly, don't say things you don't mean, or have no intentions of following through on. Be honest, be open. I wear my heart on my sleeve...I suppose that is because I see the best in everyone. Please see the best in me...

Guys, its the little things. The simple stuff.

We aren't from Venus...we're human...just like you.

- "I love your curves and all your edges...all your perfect imperfections"... John Legend

Beautiful people...

As my life is about to take yet another turn, I am reminded how frequently souls come in and out of our lives.

I am realizing that each person plays a part, and those parts are all significant. We may not realize it at the time, but each person's role in our lives can shape who we become.

They can give us strength, love, peace. They can build our confidence, or tear it down. They can fuel our happiness, make us laugh, or make us cry. All of these things, good and bad, are the building blocks of our lives.

Unfortunately, in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, we often take for granted those who are a part of them. Not necessarily maliciously...we just tend to think that our lives will last forever - that we have plenty of time to say the things we want/should say and do the things we want to do.

If you knew that tomorrow, the people you love, the people you talk to on a daily basis would not be here, what would you do today?

Think about it for a minute...

Pick six people. I don't care who. Just six people who are right now, a very important part of your life. Now, imagine that they are gone. You will never have another chance to talk to them...to hug them...to laugh with them...to cry with them...to kiss them. What would you do today?

Would you accept that lunch invite you didn't have time for yesterday?

Would you listen just a little bit closer when they talked, just to hear their voice?

Would you hold them just a little bit longer? So long that you felt like one person?

Would you kiss them quickly, out of habit, or would you kiss them like the very taste of their lips gave you life?

Would you tell them how much they mean to you, even if it terrified you?

Life is fragile. It is fleeting. Walk through life with this in mind...like every moment could be the last. Embrace it. Love it.

It is beautiful.

Life is beautiful because of the people in it.

Soul Searching...

As it has been over a month since I last posted on here, I figured I had better get to writing...

So much is going on...so much has happened...my life is a whirlwind, and I am most definitely caught up in it.

Some days I feel like I could take on the world. Others I question everything I've done, said, or felt, but I'm fairly positive that I am not the only person on the planet who feels this way...

I have had to do some serious soul searching recently. I am assuming when I find what I am looking for, or when it surprises the crap out of me and says, "Hey! Here's what you are supposed to do!", it will be obvious. It will slap me in the face. It will grab ahold of my shoulders and shake me until I say, "Okay! Okay! I get it!". Of course, life is full of assumptions.

During this process, I have come up with a few things I want to do. Some I have never done, some I used to and want to do again. Some are fears I want to conquer.

My life "to do" list, so to speak:

1. Play the piano again. It's been 20 years since I've sat down and played...I think its time I wake that musician inside of me.

2. Sing. Not just in my car. Not just when I'm by myself cleaning. I will sing in front of someone. I apologize in advance to whoever ends up being the lucky one...

3. Run a 5K. Or jog. I suppose it depends on your definition of running. According to mine, I'll be running...like Forest...

4. Ride RAGBRAI. I've wanted to do this since I was in high school. Now accepting applications to be my support crew...

5. Eat alone in a new restaurant once a month. Without a lot of explanation, I will pull a "Hope Floats" moment and be the mysterious stranger, sitting alone, and owning it...

6. Grow flowers. Sounds crazy, but I've never been able to keep a flower garden going. Veggies? Fine. But flowers/plants are my kryptonite.

7. See the ocean. I've flown over it...been to Florida, but I've never put my toes in it. I don't want to swim in it (something might bite me). Just feel it...smell it...

8. Go to Hawaii. Someday. It's the plane ride that frightens the crap out of me. Drug me, beer me...just somebody get me there.

9. Learn how to play the guitar. There's just something extremely soulful...sexy...about a guitar.

10. Eat fish, and like it. Just the thought makes me gag, but I'm not going to quit. I will keep trying it...maybe when I make it to Hawaii I'll try something fresh and fall in love.

To be continued...

A New Year...

It happened. Another year gone. Another year in the record books.

2013 was a year of ups and downs...good and bad...but, aren't they all?

A lesson I am learning is how to look at the past. I can choose to focus on the good, the wonderful, the fun, the amazing.

Or I can choose to focus on the bad, the negative, the sad.

I choose good. I choose amazing. I choose fun.

I choose to plow into 2014 the most positive I have ever been. The most active I have ever been. The most confident I have ever been. Fun loving, caring, excited, and free.

Someone once told me that nobody "makes" me mad...or sad...or any other emotion for that matter. It is a choice I make. I choose to let someone get to me so much that I become angry. I choose to let someone hurt me and I become sad.

On the flipside, I can choose to let someone in to my crazy world. I choose to love their goofiness...their nerdiness...their silliness, their wild side. I can chose to be happy and embrace all that is them.

I can let myself go and laugh with them. I can sing, even if they don't sing with me. I will dance, even if I'm the only one on the dance floor.

I will love the parts of them that maybe they think are weird, strange, or unimportant. I will love all of them, because those "weird" quirks are what makes each and every one of us special.

In the end, it doesn't matter. People won't remember if they heard me sing and it was horrendous. They won't remember if I screwed up the dance moves on the dance floor. What matters is that I was me...I didn't pretend to be something I'm not.

I let my "band geek" shine...


2014, listen up...You will not tell me what to do, what I can or cannot do. I dictate how this is going to go...

I will smile.
I will laugh.
I will love.
I will care.

I will dance.
I will sing.

I will find me.
I will experience life.
I will see new places.
I will meet new people.

I will get crazy.
I will do things by myself.
I will try something new.

I will love myself.